The Basics of Shadow Work
In the universe, there is lightness and darkness. Where there is light there is also a shadow and one cannot exist without the other. This also relates to ones most inner self. We all have our happy self, the self we have around people. The good side of us, where we are happy and smiling. Our strengths and our successes, but we also have parts of ourselves that aren’t so positive. We have parts of us that are unresolved trauma we have pushed down and pretended wasn’t there, or there’s some that are aware of it, but still need to work on healing it. The shadow is our weaknesses, our insecurities, our failures and our fears. It is anxiety, depression and anger. In a spiritual sense, it is lower vibrational energy that is in the subconscious of the ego. Being aware of your shadow side is one thing, but trying to work through it is another, and it comes with all the questions like, Why do I feel this way? Why do I react this way? How do I work through these emotions? Where do I start?
Childhood
The experiences we go through in our childhood are the main influence on how we emotionally operate. When we are children, our subconscious mind picks up on certain things; the way we express our emotions, the way we deal with stress, sadness, pain, anger. It is all shaped and molded from our childhood. The way we interact with people, our relationships with ourselves, friends, colleagues and romantic partners, is all developed and learned in early childhood. Not saying that parents who raised or raising children are at fault. This is just part of life and coming to terms with your traumas and emotions. That being said, in older generations it has been taught and perceived in ego based energy rather than a soul based energy. Lower emotions and dealing with them in yourself and others wasn’t a very common thing in households.
To start shadow work, you basically have to ask yourself questions and pick apart why you react a certain way, to get to the root of the problem. This is what happens when you go to therapy and the therapist sheds a light on a psychological standpoint. For those who have not gone to therapy, whether they are nervous, can’t afford it or believe they can heal themselves this blog post is a basic stand point on where you should start. Working on healing your inner self takes a lot of time and patience the thing is to start small and work your way up.
Attachment style – What is it and why does it matter?
There are four different attachment styles that stem from the attachment theory, which is a psychological theory of a connection and relationships between humans. It states that young children develop relationships with caregivers and depending on the relationship it can determine the attachment style. These attachment styles are developed within the first year of and greatly affect your romantic relationships with others.
Secure
- A securely attached person can trust, love and get close to others with ease. They form healthy and loving relationships with others and don’t feel panicked when their partners need time or space. They are balanced and grounded within themselves, are not afraid of intimacy and are able to depend on others without becoming totally dependent
Anxious-Preoccupied
- An insecure attachment style brought on by a deep fear of abandonment. They tend to be very insecure about their relationships and often worry that their partner will leave them. This attachment style is associated with “neediness” or clingy behavior which often leads to getting validation from their partner.
Dismissive-Avoidant
- An insecure attachment style brought on by a lack of intimacy. People with this attachment style maintain some distance from their partners or are emotionally unavailable in their relationships. They have trouble getting close and trusting others and often prefer to be independent and rely on themselves.
Fearful-Avoidant
- An insecure attachment style that is a combination between anxious and avoidant. People with this attachment style both desperately crave affection but also want to avoid it. They are hesitant to develop a close romantic relationship in a fear of getting hurt but at the same time have a dire need to feel loved by others.
The goal is to have a secure attachment style, working on your Shadow and your insecurities will help switch your insecure attachment style to a secure attachment style. This helps significantly in our relationships, in most cases when there are troubles in relationships it reverts to an insecure attachment style. If you have an insecure attachment style, you will be insecure in your relationships. Most of the time an individual’s attachment style is unknown because they are unaware that it is a thing. Once the attachment style is recognized in yourself or your partner, you are able to work towards healing it. When you are healed and all parties have a secure attachment style then a healthy relationship is formed.
The 4 F’s of Fear
The main trauma responses break down into 4 different categories. An individual may possess one or multiple categories. Trauma responses are different for everyone and there is no right or wrong way. Becoming aware of your trauma responses will help you heal certain aspects of yourself and how you react to conflict.
Fight
- First instinct is to confront the situation in an aggressive matter
Flight
- First instinct is to run from a dangerous situation
Freeze
- First instinct is to not move and freeze
Fawn
- First instinct is to comply and not resist to the situation
Exiles vs. Protectors
In the Internal Family Systems Model it explains when we are wounded as children, that part of us freezes over time, because that inner child is scared to repeat that hurt again, another part of us takes on that role. These parts are called protectors, which are unconscious reactions triggered by any thought or situation. Example: shutting down, dissociation, anger, and when one gets older protectors can be porn & sex problems, gambling, any addiction.. etc. The part of us that freezes in time is called exiles, which is the wounded child and/or trigger hidden behind the protector. When an exile gets threatened, the protector takes over the consciousness.
These trauma responses and coping mechanisms that we learn as children and young adolescence follow us into our adult years. If an individual is unaware of the protectors they possess, this can be passed down from generation to generation as this behavior can be learned subconsciously. Until we are able to get to the root of the problem, to heal and change these protectors, it can be a continuous cycle.
Cognitive Dissonance
As an individual becomes more aware of the protectors, exiles and their coping mechanisms, they will experience cognitive dissonance, which refers to any situation involving conflicting thoughts, attitudes, behaviors and beliefs. Due to these conflicting thoughts it can create a great deal of mental discomfort.
When you become aware of your shadow side, you may want to correct these thoughts, emotions and behaviors but because you are trying to retrain your subconscious it will cause cognitive dissonance. This can be a confusing time for someone who is trying to re correct and heal themselves. Some will get stuck in this stage and revert back to their old ways, their default. Trying to change your ways takes a lot of time and practice. There may be many times of trial and error but you must keep in mind that this will not be an overnight thing, and you can be in this state of mind for months and maybe even years.
Reparenting your inner child
Your inner child speaks to you in many different ways, one of the main ways it speaks to you is through your traumas, your triggers and your insecurities. A lot of what happens and shapes your negative thought patterns and shadows stems from your childhood. In order to heal your adult self, you must heal your inner child. To do this you must connect with your inner child. Well how do I do this? Think back to you as a child, what was something that you really enjoyed? What was your favorite movie, favorite snack, favorite place you traveled to.. Etc.. Start doing those things you enjoyed as an adult. Reconnect yourself with the person you were before you had to grow up.
Once you have created a positive connection with your inner child, think back on situations that were traumatizing, that made you sad or hurt as a child. Listen to your inner voice and ask yourself, what did you need during that time? In what ways were you not heard, what ways did your parents or caregiver let you down, what did you need from them that they were unable to give to you?
Reparenting yourself is the act of giving yourself what you did not receive as a child. This is not easy, but we must remember that our parents also deal with insecure attachment styles and unhealthy trauma responses, and in most cases they were growing up while raising their kids. Much like parenting a child, when Reparenting yourself think to these three categories : Discipline, Joy and Self Care/Self Love.
When connecting with your inner child
- Recognize
- A trigger or feeling has become aware
- Embrace
- Hold yourself or imagine holding your inner child tight
- Soothe
- Tell your inner-child that its okay, that they feel valid for feeling this way and whatever else you feel they need to hear
Different ways you can reparent yourself
- Go to sleep early
- Connect with someone
- Speak your truth
- Get creative
- Journal/write
- Movement
As your inner child becomes healed so will the adult you. These are the parts of the Shadow that are hidden in the subconscious and are catalyst to inner problems that arise in your adult life. There are many different aspects of one’s shadow but healing the inner child and being aware of your trauma responses, your attachment style and your protectors of your exiles is a good place to start. The thing is to not try to burry and hide the shadow, its about embracing it in order to heal it. Every one has lightness and everyone dark darkness (shadow side), the goal is to be able to have a balance between the two.